Gloomy days are nice sit and think days

This summer so far has been pretty wet and gloomy. There’s been some nice and warm days, and some gross muggy days but I actually like the days that are a little chilly and rainy. I’m sure if I wasn’t pregnant I wouldn’t be saying any of this, but it’s nice not being so sweaty and swollen.

So I spend these days doing things like laundry. I find some weird comfort in going to the laundromat. The smell is always nice and clean and people watching could be one of my new favorite hobbies. And going to the laundromat is nice because it forces me to not only do all of my laundry but fold all my laundry too. Putting it away on the other hand is a whole new story.

This is nice alone time, me time as they like to call it. It’s nice to sit and be alone and sort of think about things that have been going on or what has been bothering me. What’s been bothering me lately is my mom. As for me, I feel like I have this whole mom thing planned out, which it probably won’t go as I feel it should go but it’s nice to have a plan…. Right?

My mom was an exceptional mother. She was tough to grow up with and still continues to be tough, but I can’t help but thank her for that. I know people have it worse than me and I shouldn’t complain but growing up with her was hard. I am learning a lot about motherhood from her and what I don’t want to be like with my daughter. Two things that I know that I will do are:

I will always tell my daughter I love her. Now my mom does tell me she loves me and I know that she does deep down, but sometimes I think that she is saying it either because I said it first or she feels like she needs to. I never want my daughter to have to wonder that. She should always know how much love I have for her, and I know it is going to be so much because I already love her endlessly.

I will always tell my daughter I’m proud of her. One thing that I always have wondered and guessed is if I make my mom proud. I can’t help but to think that I do, I mean who would be? I hated high school and just barely got by, I hate college and still have no idea what I want to do with my life, I’m having a child at 21, I have screwed up numerous of times during my school ages. She never tells me, and I can’t remember the last time I felt that I had made her proud. I’ve had this feeling since I was in high school that she always wished my cousins were her own kids. That’s not a nice feeling and I never want my daughter to think that.

I had every intentions on continuing this post with things that I know I will be so conscious about doing To my kid that she wasn’t with me, but I can’t help but feel like I am just bashing my mom. And I’m not at all, because I do thank her for the way she was with me. I wouldn’t be who I am today if she wasn’t so hard on me. I believe that I’m a strong, independent person where I know I can make it. I feel as if I’m sort of ready to take on the new roll of motherhood because of how she was with me. I know that it’s going to be extremely hard, but I know that I am going to have to do because that’s what needs to be done. That’s how she taught us.